It as been a while since I wrote a blog and there is a good reason for that. The final cycles of my chemo were the hardest and I could hardly see the TV let alone read a book or type a blog. They say it gets worse which each cycle and in some cases it does and it did with mine. However, every day I got up, showered and dressed, did my stretches and when I could I walked one mile which now my chemo is over I am walking 6 miles but that is another blog. Exercise was my medicine and being a Pilates instructor I needed it.
Every day that I could I would get outside, and I was shocked at how difficult it was but I did not give up and I certainly did not give myself a hard time if I could not do much.
We all know that chemo can be hard and it is no walk in the park, and we hear about the side effects, tired, hair loss, (that really got me, my hair going) not being able to taste food, sores in the mouth but what they don't tell you about is the chemo farts and burps. Oh my these were the worse and I had to sleep alone, I told Rob, my after half; "you do not want to be any where near these farts and burps". Sorry if you don't like natural functions but seriously I'm so pleased Rob thinks it is funny and I don't even have a pet to blame them on. It was toxic! But that is over now and my chemo is finished for now that is.
Hair loss, when you are told "oh you won't have hair loss with bladder cancer" is a real shock. Mine stayed OK for about 4 cycles (3months) but then it really starting just falling out, it was everywhere, and very sad to see your hair just on the floor when you are used to long dark hair. You cannot dye it and so I just had it all cut off. I write about hair loss because this adds to the pain of cancer, you already feel pretty shit with the chemo and your mental health is up and down in my case, but then you look in the mirror and you see your Granny looking back at you. That is hard! Even though I loved my Granny with all my heart and she was beautiful, I am not ready to meet her yet in heaven! Not until I get my hair back and I can dye it again... she always told me off for frowning as a child, goodness know what she would say about my hair. My Granny was always well presented and lived to nearly 100 years old.! She did not want to see me get frown lines, let alone no hair.
The next thing that really upset me was food, ie not being able to eat or taste it. Everything tasted like cardboard and Rob cannot cook, so that was even harder. I lived on bangers and mash, tuna steak and mash, cheese toasties and jacket potatoes with cheese.. I gave up the beans when the farts started. Let me tell you Rob can only make things with Mash! Plus after all that I put on weight. I love food but I rarely put on weight these days, but cancer is like weight watchers in reverse.. " oh good you have put on weight" well I just kept going and now it is only a few pounds but I had lost the lockdown weight and now I need to lose the chemo weight, so much for losing weight on chemo. However, that is a good thing I'm told not to lose weight, so good for me. At least now I can eat salads, prawns and raw fish again (Sushi) as I really missed that.
When you like food and it tastes like cardboard and water tastes like dish water, you understand why people do lose weight.
There are many side effects with cancer and chemo plus the treatments they give you but would I do it all again, hell yes! This has saved my life and for six months it was tough and there were days when I said I cannot do this and I cried all day. However, I'm still here, kicking and shouting to live my life to the full. Eating the lovely fresh salads and fruit I love and tasting a little bit of wine. I stopped coffee, all booze when I was on chemo so that I did not impact anything and gave myself the best chance. There is a long road ahead of me, but everyday now after chemo I feel better and I do more. The first week off chemo I took myself to M&S, that felt so good to do some shopping rather than online. I still have to wear a mask and I still need to take care but every day is a bit better and every day something tastes sweeter and I'm still here and craving a full life every day. Never give up as life is here to be lived, loved and tasted even with the farts and burps!